The John Zeikheiler Show
Some Factoids From John:
marcus allen's penis is larger than oj's.
kobe bryant has a large penis
He loves tiger woods. tiger woods is part black. Zeikheiler wonders If Woods Has a Large Penis.
Zeikheiler's Ups and Downs:
- up- flying high when he learns tiger woods broke up with his fiance
- up- tiger woods having broken up with his fiance now paves the way for zeikheiler to get cornholed by woods or for him to perform fellatio on woods
- down-it might not be true that tiger woods has broken up with his fiance
- down- tiger ties the knot
- up- tiger isn'twearing his wedding ring
- down-he had a painful childhood owing to his parents' divorce and returns to phillie to commemorate the death of his mother and her boyfriend in a car accident
- definite up for Zeikheiler only-he's a penis obsessed latent homosexual
Zeikheiler's Admission Of The Day:
- he's a military kid
- he's agnostic
- he had a painful childhood owing to his parents' divorce
- in attempting to dissuade a young caller/girl from her faith, zeikheiler expresses disbelief that GOD had any hand in the death of his mother and her boyfriend in a car accident
- attempts to dissuade another caller from his faith
- he's a penis obsessed latent homosexual
- Hasn't Done Well With The California Chicks
- he suffer's from a broken penis - but, as the "eternal optimist" he is (NOT), he views his broken penis as "a glass half-full" and opines that he must have a fair to midland sized penis in order to have broken same
- Begins To Lay Foundation For Coming "Out Of The Closet"
- Admits He Has Lots of Gay Friends
- He's Not Attracted To Tom Shales
- No Girl Would "Do" Tom Shales Whom He Says Is Fat And Ugly
- If He Were A Girl, He Wouldn't "Do" Tom Shales Whom He Says Is Fat And Ugly
- Tom Shales Is No Tiger Woods
- Tom Shales Can Forget About 'Cornholin' The Eclectic, Discriminating John Zeikheiler
- 9-24-04: Zeikheiler Continues To Lay Foundation For His Coming Out -
- Laments that (women generally, and) a woman, ie., Cynthia Nixon without much fanfare can switch to the same sex, whereas a man, viz., Zeikheiler, can't without stigma. - John you can. You can John, you can. Come out, John, come out. Be you.
- States Most Of The Girls He's Been Out With Were Probably Lesbians - Come On John, "Your" Girls Were Never About the "Sex" - Just (pseudo hetero) Appearances
- Come On John.....Come Out, Come Out (of the closet), Wherever you are. You Can Still Be a 'Log Cabin Republican'. Be You, John. Be All That You Can Be!
- 10-1-04: Zeikheiler Continues To Lay Foundation For His Coming Out -
- What's the problem with california girls he asks as he admits he hasn't scored and has no figure. John: Consult The Studies By Those Surfer Dudes -
- Northern girls with the way they kiss keep their boyfriends up all night
- Midwest farmers' daughters really make you feel all right
- Southern girls, ummmmm, with the way they talk
- East coast girls with the way dress is really out of sight
- West coast has sunshine and the girls wear french bikinis and get tan which is probably why they like Mr. "Clockwork-Orange Tan" Kerry
- Loosely Paraphrasing Horace Greely, Go North Young Gay Man, Go North (to San Francisco) and be a "closet mo no mo(re)"
- 10-4-04: John, desperate for male companionship and affection, tries something new. [If you have a queer eye for the closet queer guy] Send John an email to watch the debates together. John's " trollin' for a cornholin' ".
- 11-5-04: John, desperate for male companionship and affection, tries something new. [If you have a queer eye for the closet queer guy] Call John and Get Points and Lunch With John. Extra Points For Single Guys From Santa Monica or San Franscisco. Extra Points For Single Girls With Single Guy Platonic Friends From Santa Monica or San Franscisco Whom They'll Bring To Lunch With John. John's " trollin' for a cornholin' ".
- 11-11-04: John, desperate for male companionship and affection, and still " trollin' for a cornholin' ", is elated at his rekindled prospects with tiger who wasn't wearing his wedding band, and proves himself worthy of tiger's love and affection by declaring tiger's new wife the devil and the cause of tiger's problems. Yes John, there is still hope for you and tiger together, forever.
- 11-11-04: John desperately grasps for normalcy by blaming his weirdness on a midlife crisis. No way, John. You're "over-the-top" plain old weird. Crazier than
a bedbug. Mad as a hatter. Nuttier than a fruitcake. Etc.. Don't Expect a straight answer concerning same from your straight (wo)man/sidekick, Princess Laya. On the positive side, John, your 'What Did We Learn This Week' segment is very cool and your new "foil" a perfect choice, as is the music.
- 10-5-04: John's worst nightmare. It might be true that tiger is getting married, he laments.
- 10-5-04: John's worst nightmare becomes reality. It is true that tiger has married that impudent strumpet as you suspected. Alas, poor, poor John. It is important that you not internalize the pain of your spurned affections at the hands/paws of the heartless tiger, who like Roy Horn's White Tiger has treated you as his personal "squeaky toy" and totally ravaged you, heart, mind, and soul. Don't take it out on all people as you state that "people suck" in venting your anger, since that fact and in fact your experience is limited to the u.s.. Remember your fans and don't quit your "day/night job" and continue to present the facts/information in your unprecedentedly weird but refreshingly unique fashion. You are an aberation John, but so long as you stick to your vigorous pursuit of the facts and soundbites, your weirdness is welcome say your fans. Finally, John, pay homage to the greatest golfer in the world, Vijay Singh. Buy a copy of the 'Kama Sutra' and carry it with you wherever you go, which will be great for appearances (you undercover-closet-mo you) and might help you with the 'California Girls'. Remember John, it isn't if but when (depending on the prenup) tiger comes back to you.
John, You Are So Weird!
[For all KFI employees and listeners: If John's eyes are puffy/swollen/bloodshot from tears, or if he's wearing sunglasses, give him comfort, understanding, and support, but in a manner of speaking, if "you're in a shower/room with closet mo John, don't bend over to pick up the soap".]
Zeikheiler Laments Haiti's Dilemma Yet Can See Opportunity In Their Calamity as Set Forth In Zeikheiler's 'Fantasy Turned (Wet Dream) Reality In Haiti' As Follows:
Looks Like Tiger, But No Cigar, Not Quite.
1-6-05: The Election Over, I Would Be Less Than Honest If I Didn't Compliment Zeikheiler's Factual Coverage/Soundbites Particularly, Etc., of Same. Having Said That, I Must Now State That Mad Dog Zeikheiler Has Really Become A Bit Much To Take. As Such, I Will With Substantially Less Frequency Sample The John Zeikheiler Show, Which You May Have Correctly Surmised Parodies, But Lamentably Not By Much, The John Ziegler Show. He is "One Sick Puppy", That Mad Dog Ziegler is.
Let Me Close Out This Page With The Revelation That One Of John's Co-employee's Had Expressed A Desire To Go Out With John...................................Until She Found Out That, As Widely Reported And Discussed By John Himself, He Suffers From A Broken Penis.
A Final Song Commemorating 'The John Ziegler Show':
How Can You Mend A Broken Penis
(to the tune of 'How Can You Mend A Broken Heart' by the BeeGees)
How Can You Mend A Broken Penis
John Really Wants To Know
How Can You Stop
Tiger From Getting Married
John Wants To Be His Moho
Ohhh How Can You Be
All That You Wannabe
A Trip To Denmark Or Sweden John Must Go
Then John Can Be Jan an'
Without Any Question
Be The Tiger's Bitch Mo Ho
Ohhh How Can You Mend A Broken Penis
Might Not Be So Important To John Any Mo'
Since Now He Can Be
For Ever and Ever
The Tiger's Bitch MoHo
Emergency News Flash/Bulletin/Announcement: John Announces His Potential Engagement To His Former Girlfriend (Probably To Make The Tiger Jealous), Presumably and Presumptively On The Theory That 'You Broke it (John's Penis - She's The One), You Buy It' !